Hunger

Though Gay understands the importance of fat acceptance, she also argues that we must acknowledge that some do struggle with it (and that there is nothing less valid about or wrong with this sentiment). While Gay herself yearns to make peace with her body, she also wants to lose weight because her current situation makes her unhappy. Above all, she yearns for freedom.

Gay has experimented with dieting over the years and argues that weight loss is about deprivation. While losing weight, Gay feels better in her body. Weight loss offers more choices when shopping for clothing and opportunities to go to places not made for fat bodies. Yet, Gay often engages in self-sabotage, which leads to her hungering (in every sense of the word) once again. Exercise has also been a struggle because it is not something she enjoys, and gyms are public spaces where participants judge others of size. Some people offer patronizing comments that are “rarely about genuine encouragement or kindness. They are an expression of fear of unruly bodies—a misguided attempt to reward the behavior of a ‘good fat person’” (165). Moreover, because Gay’s body does not indulge the male gaze, she faces public fat shaming as men make rude comments even when she is simply walking down the street. While “It is not my job to please them with my body” (188), this verbal abuse still takes a toll on her.

Gay is plagued by self-consciousness, as she knows she is entitled to “take up space but not too much of it” (171). She tries to make herself as small as possible and consistently moves out of others’ paths when she is in public spaces or social settings. She feels jealous toward those who do not have to think about how much space they occupy.

Gay often retreats from the world to avoid children’s stares or unwelcome questions about her body. She avoids clothing in vibrant colors, sticking to dark shirts and jeans—thus denying herself a styles she truly likes. She shares that “I rarely feel attractive or sexy or well dressed” (179) and describes the discomfort of shopping for clothes, particularly with her mother during her teen years. After all, the world of fashion largely ignores bodies like hers.

Gay’s longing for bodily transformation, one that would make the world more accessible for her, led to a two-year bout of bulimia. During this time, she enjoyed excessive eating with less guilt, as “When you’re fat, no one will pay attention to disordered eating or they will look the other way or they will look right through you. You get to hide in plain sight” (196). She was able to stop after finding a best friend in whom she could confide, trying vegetarianism, and experiencing physical side effects like hair loss.

Society typically treats “fat” as an insult rather than a descriptive adjective. In response, Gay asserts:

[…] it’s insulting to pretend I am not fat or to deny my body and its reality. It’s insulting to think I am somehow unaware of my physical appearance. And it’s insulting to assume that I am ashamed of myself for being fat, no matter how close to the truth that might be (201).

This denial creates uncomfortable circumstances for Gay. For example, physical spaces and services are largely unaccommodating. At upscale restaurants, Gay often has to force herself to fit into a seat that is too small, while other patrons watch; her companions enjoy themselves, while she is miserable the entire time. Air travel is also uncomfortable. She is forced to pretend she is comfortable and deny the reality of her body for others in public spaces—even though the world regards her very body as “a public space” (208).