Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl's Confabulous Memoir

Kimaya organizes a “storytelling night” at a local theater venue called the Cabaret Rouge. She declares that it is what the community needs in order to heal and to come back together after all the violence. The narrator hopes that the event will bring Kimaya and Rapunzelle back together, but Kimaya has been rebuffing Rapunzelle since the incident with the police. On the night of the open mic, the theater fills with femmes from all over the Street, some that the narrator knows and others that she doesn’t recognize. They take turns coming onstage and sharing their stories in a variety of genres, from spoken word poetry to song. The narrator is amazed. Eventually, Kimaya offers her the mic and invites her on stage.

In this poem, which the narrator is sharing on stage as part of the open mic, the narrator talks about her dreams of having long hair. At first she expresses her hope that her hair will be long enough to allow her to feel feminine, to wear in a ponytail and to get tangled in the wind. Then her long hair becomes something more symbolic. It is something that hides her from view, that blankets her in warmth, and that turns into a web of stories and lies. It is a river, a snake, and a fishing net. It enters crevices and corners that are hard to reach. It can reach through both space and time, connecting the narrator to her ancestors.

The narrator is lying on the couch in Kimaya’s apartment when she hears arguing through the open window, coming from the alley outside. Rapunzelle is asking for Kimaya’s forgiveness, but Kimaya is refusing. Rapunzelle grows frustrated, explaining that she fought on behalf of all the trans women who have been wronged, but Kimaya doesn’t believe her. She thinks Rapunzelle’s motivations were more selfish. Rapunzelle responds by accusing Kimaya of being selfish, too. She says that Kimaya loves to be needed and that this is why she acts as a “mother” to so many girls, including the narrator. Kimaya slaps Rapunzelle angrily and demands that she leave.

The narrator is shaken by Rapunzelle’s assessment of Kimaya and wonders if it might be true. Perhaps Kimaya does enjoy being a mother-figure for selfish reasons. She decides that she needs to leave Kimaya’s apartment, and she sneaks across the living room after Kimaya returns to bed. However, Kimaya catches her and asks where she is going. The narrator tries to say she is just going for a walk, but Kimaya seems doubtful. The narrator assures Kimaya that she will be back, that she will always come back, though she knows that she is not being completely truthful.

The narrator visits Alzena the Witch again and explains that she wants to ask her three questions. Alzena agrees, though says it will cost her a favor in the future. The narrator asks if it’s true that the girls who live on the Street of Miracles will inevitably encounter violence in their lives. Alzena’s reply is that destiny is inescapable. The narrator then asks if “Kimaya helps girls because she wants to control them” (154-55), and Alzena does not deny it. Finally, the narrator asks about the best way to catch a swarm of bees, to which Alzena simply replies that she must use “sweetness.”

This is the narrator’s final ode to her pocketknife, which serves as a good-bye. She explains that she is grateful for all their time together, but that the knife cannot provide her with the healing and solace she needs. She thus decides to free them both, and to finally leave the pocketknife behind.

After spending a great deal of time wallowing on Kimaya’s couch, the narrator decides that it is finally time for her to move forward. She decides that she will rely on “sweetness,” as suggested by Alzena. Specifically, she decides to bake a cake. She gathers the ingredients in Kimaya’s kitchen, and Kimaya tries to help, but the narrator assures her that she must do this on her own. Having never baked a cake before, the narrator struggles and sometimes makes a mess, though she is eventually able to get the cake in the oven. When it is finished, even the narrator is impressed by its sweet smell and bright red color. She opens the window and begins to eat while sitting on the windowsill. The cake is delicious, and as if by magic, the narrator’s own enjoyment of this “forgiveness” cake spreads outward, touching everyone she is close to. The power of the cake even reaches as far away as Gloom, where it brings guidance and joy to her mother and sister. It also reaches the statue of the First Femme. The fountain rumbles, and the statue smiles. As the narrator is finishing her bite of cake, the phone rings. It is the boy she met in the university library, and he is asking for her.

The boy on the phone, Josh, explains that he called to check on the narrator, to make sure she was okay after the drama of the police sting. The narrator lets him know that she is fine, and she assumes that will be the end of the conversation. Instead, Josh asks the narrator out on a date. The narrator says yes and notices that, unlike in moments of intimacy in the past, she feels no swarming bees when talking to Josh.

Josh picks the narrator up in his car for their date. The narrator has been dressed and had her make-up done by Kimaya, who was thrilled for her. Kimaya also provides the narrator with encouragement to prevent her from canceling the date out of fear. Josh keeps the destination for their date a secret, although he does share that it is somewhat strange. He and the narrator travel to a nearby cemetery, in which his family is interred in their family mausoleum. He has set up a romantic picnic near the mausoleum, among the gravestones. The narrator is amazed and can’t believe that someone she barely knows somehow understands her so well, though she does admit to Josh, before giving him a kiss, that it is a weird location for their first date.

Josh nervously asks if he can kiss the narrator, and she hesitates. Thus far in her life, only her Ghost Friend has been able to give her pleasure, and she is concerned about how an encounter with Josh will make her Ghost Friend feel. She decides to make the first move by kissing Josh, and he kisses her back until eventually the narrator begins to panic. At that moment, the narrator begins to talk to her Ghost Friend, both out loud and in her mind, to make sure that they are okay. As she gives permission for Ghost Friend to touch her, Josh assumes that the narrator is talking to him. Both Ghost Friend and Josh begin to caress her intimately, until finally Ghost Friend departs and only Josh remains to give the narrator orgasms.

In her penultimate letter to her sister, the narrator lightly chastises her for breaking a boy’s nose, even though he deserved it. She also reiterates that she cannot protect Charity anymore, and that it will be up to her to protect herself. She explains to Charity that the world they live in is a dangerous one for girls, and that to make it through, every girl might need to be a little bit dangerous, too. The narrator also cautions her sister not to rely too heavily on violence. She closes with the advice she received from Alzena: “You can only stop hurting when you stop hurting yourself” (174). She also gifts Charity a tube of her favorite lipstick.