Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

“You, too, are healthy and normal at the start of your sexual development, as you grow, and as you bear the fruits of living with confidence and joy inside your body.”

One of the strongest messages in the book is You Are Normal. Embracing this message is an important part of moving forward. Rather than viewing one’s personal sexual experience as broken or damaged, the individual can start from a point of self-compassion and understanding.

“Culture adopts a random act of biology and tries to make it Meaningful, with a capital ‘Mmmh.’”

The myths that develop around women and sex are often based upon faulty science or sweeping generalizations on limited data sets. These interpretations contribute to the mythology of sex and can affect a person’s wellness and self-worth.

“The biological message is simple: Female ejaculation is a byproduct, like male nipples and the hymen. No matter how big a deal culture makes of it, people just vary.”

Part of the message that you are normal is the concept of normality within a spectrum of experience. People are diverse. Their anatomies, backgrounds, memories, and preferences make each person undeniably unique; it is the variation of human experience that is normal. Many of the women who seek Dr. Nagoski’s counsel are seeking an answer to the question of their own experiences—whether their bodies, their preferences, and their desires are normal. She offers a resounding “yes” in response.

“But how you feel about your genitals and their secretions is learned, and loving your body just as it is will give you more intense pleasure and desire and bigger, better orgasms.”

This quotation connects to the theme that you are normal. The belief that one’s body or experiences are abnormal contributes to what happens in the bedroom. If a woman believes that she is broken, she will feel more inhibitions when seeking intimacy with her partner. By unlocking the mythology of sex, which sells a false narrative of sexual normalcy, women can begin to find their sexual encounters more enjoyable.

“According to the dual control model, sexual arousal is really two processes: activating the accelerator and deactivating the brakes.”

The dual control model is the foundation for Reframing Personal Sexual Experience. Women tend to feel negatively about themselves when they do not feel interested in sex. The dual control model reframes the meaning of that lack of interest: Women have a high threshold for sexual brakes. Instead of looking upon their lack of interest as a negative, women can be empowered to take charge of their brakes and accelerators.

“Your own brakes and accelerator, and their relationship to your mood or anxiety, are unique and individual. The goal of understanding your brakes and accelerator is not to understand ‘what men are like’ versus ‘what women are like,’ but to understand what you are like.”

This quotation connects two themes: reframing personal sexual experience and you are normal. Every woman has different brakes and accelerators; what works for one woman may not work for another. Understanding how the dual control model works provides women with the opportunity to understand and reframe their sexual experience. Understanding that it is normal to be different provides a foundation for self-compassion and self-understanding.

“The payoff is that anytime you hear someone complain, ‘Women are so complicated—yesterday she liked one thing, today she wants something completely different,’ or wonder, ‘Why don’t I respond the way I used to?’ you’ll be able to say, ‘Context!’ What you want and like changes based on your external circumstances and your internal state.”

As women engage in reframing personal sexual experience, Dr. Nagoski encourages them to consider context. Once negativity has been set aside, women can begin to understand how context shapes their desire and experience. The idea that women are “complicated” or that what they want is a mystery is part of the mythology of sex. The reality is that both men and women may be sensitive to context. For example, if a woman is worried that her children may walk in or if she has a long to-do list, these contexts may function as sexual brakes during an encounter.

“Learning to recognize the contexts that increase your brain’s perception of the world as a sexy place, and having skills to maximize the sexy contexts, is key to increasing your sexual satisfaction.”

This quotation reveals what makes understanding the dual control model so powerful. When a woman knows her own brakes and accelerators, she and her partner can begin to remove brakes and amplify accelerators. If crossing a few things off the to-do list may make a woman more interested in sex, then she and her partner may take some time in the evening to complete some of the tasks before pursuing sexual intimacy. Dr. Nagoski also suggests that helping to remove brakes and amplify accelerators helps women feel noticed and valued, which in turn helps to increase desire. 

“The key to managing stress effectively is to make efforts to complete the cycle—unlock from freeze, escape the predator, kill the enemy, rejoice.”

Stress can have a high impact on sexual desire and arousal. Unfortunately, the stress-response cycle often does not have the chance to complete itself. Contemporary culture presents myriad ways to stop the cycle, leading individuals to practice escapism and avoidance rather than confronting their stress responses. Dr. Nagoski argues that this is part of reframing personal sexual experience. Reframing requires acknowledging the way stress affects sex and intimacy.

“Every culture has rules about how much of which kinds of emotions are appropriate in what circumstances. But our culture has constructed a social world where there is almost nowhere that we can connect with others while experiencing the full range of our emotional intensity.”

Part of the mythology of sex is that men and women should be able to separate their emotional lives from their sexual encounters—that they should be able to respond to and enjoy sex regardless of what is happening in their lives and brains. Dr. Nagoski argues that relationships require sharing and understanding one another’s emotional state and offering love and support or space where needed. It also requires not associating the need for space as an indictment of the health of the relationship.

“Weight is just one of several things people (especially women) criticize themselves for, but it may be the most universal, with half of girls as young as three years old worrying that they might be ‘fat’—and it’s certainly among the most dangerous and needless.”

This quotation provides one example of context that can impact desire and arousal. Women are fed messages about their appearance from an early age, and they can internalize these messages. Self-doubt and self-hatred function as inhibitors. It can be difficult for women who feel negatively about themselves and their bodies to then engage with pleasure. By releasing myths and reframing personal sexual experience, women can begin to recognize the beauty and health of their bodies both in and out of the bedroom.

“But many of us were raised in cultures that say our own sexual bodies are disgusting and degrading, and so are the fluids, sounds, and smells those bodies make, as are a wide array of the things we might do with our own bodies and our partner’s.”

Disgust with female bodies is yet another example of the mythology of sex. Dr. Nagoski explains that media messages are just one component of this mythology, and they perpetuate ideas about women’s bodies that are both uniform and unattainable. Getting to know one’s own body and listing all the things about it that one is grateful for is a great first step to reframing personal sexual experience.

“Women are not liars, in denial, or otherwise broken. They are women, rather than men, in a world that wants women to believe they can’t understand their own internal experience.”

Dr. Nagoski argues that sexual mythology is dangerous. When women believe that they are broken or that they do not know their own minds, then they are vulnerable to predation and self-hatred. If the cultural message is that women do not know their own minds, then men may believe that it is their role to tell women what they want. Dr. Nagoski shows how this is a pathway to sexual violence.

“Whether it’s the external circumstances or internal experiences hitting the brakes, context is fundamental to most women’s sexual wellbeing.”

The introduction of the phrase “sexual wellbeing” assists with reframing personal sexual experience. Sex and intimacy are not discussed in terms of being “broken” or “a problem.” Instead, like all other parts of the human experience, sex requires maintenance. Humans brush their teeth to care for their teeth and seek physical therapy for back pain. The mind, too, requires care. Throughout the work, Dr. Nagoski offers advice for sexual wellbeing—for practices and strategies that may contribute to sexual health.

“So sexual desire emerges in response to pleasure. When it works. Which sometimes it doesn’t.”

Sexual desire is responsive rather than spontaneous. The idea that women can experience desire spontaneously is, according to Dr. Nagoski, one more element of the mythology of sex. All sexual desire—even that which seems like it comes out of nowhere—is a response to pleasure and context. When women and their partners understand what gives them pleasure, meaning what functions as an accelerator, they can incorporate more pleasurable context into the relationship.

“These participants’ experiences show us that great sex is not about what you do with your partner, not about which body parts go where or how often, or for how long, but about how you share sensation in the context of profound trust and connection.”

Dr. Nagoski draws a distinction between good sex and great sex. She argues that good sex may occur when individuals engage in sex that is about wanting but not necessarily about liking. They may use sex for attachment or to alleviate stress. Great sex, however, comes from sharing sensations that are founded upon mutual respect and understanding of one another’s accelerators and brakes.

“All orgasms are different, and there is no ‘right’ kind or ‘better’ kind of orgasm.”

Orgasms provide another area where Dr. Nagoski reiterates her message: You are normal. The experience of orgasms can vary from person to person and from time to time. Some orgasms may be pleasurable, neutral, or uncomfortable. They can be achieved through many different forms of stimuli, and it is also possible to not experience orgasms. All experiences are normal and healthy.

“It comes to this: pleasure is the measure.”

Rather than focusing on ways in which women’s bodies or experiences are different, Dr. Nagoski advocates for focusing on pleasure. Inhibitors, or brakes, can stand in the way of orgasm and pleasure. By trying to quiet outside noise and focus on pleasure, women can enjoy sex more and take charge of their dual control model.

“Culture sanctions spontaneous desire as the ‘expected’ kind of desire because that’s how men experience desire (though not all of them do, of course).”

Many of the narratives found in the mythology of sex are a result of patriarchal culture and values. In Chapter 8, Dr. Nagoski shows how orgasms achieved through stimuli other than vaginal penetration have historically been viewed as “lesser” or “unnatural.” This is due to a mythology that is centered on male desire.

“You were born entitled to all the pleasure your body can feel.”

In this section, Dr. Nagoski explains that she can share all the research in the world, but the only way to achieve orgasm is by giving oneself permission to experience pleasure. This permission is born from an understanding that you are normal and applying patience and compassion toward one’s own experiences.

“The first step toward joy is recognizing a mismatch between the map and the terrain, with the knowledge that the terrain is always right.”

The metaphor of the map and the terrain is used to distinguish between expectation and reality. Women experience many sexual maps; they embrace certain expectations to align with a standard narrative that is projected by the mythology of sex. However, the terrain may tell a different story. Dr. Nagoski suggests that women should always trust the terrain (actual experience) over the map (expectations). Personal experience is valid and indicative of what is true; expectations for what should be occurring are more often reflective of culture and false narratives.

“I think to feel normal is to feel that you belong.”

Come as You Are is an ode to embracing one’s differences. Dr. Nagoski argues that women’s experiences—sexual and otherwise—are varied and that variation itself is normal. This aligns with the theme that you are normal. However, she wonders why so many women seek affirmation that they are normal, that they align with a certain standard. She argues that this may be because feeling normal can create a sense of belonging. She changes the question from “Am I normal?” to “Do I belong?” Her answer to both these questions is “yes.”

“I am done living in a world where women are trained from birth to treat their bodies as the enemy.”

Dr. Nagoski aligns the messages of the mythology of sex to patriarchal values that permeate contemporary Western culture. She explains that she wrote Come as You Are as a response to these values and hopes to dismantle them. Since patriarchal culture places an emphasis upon false notions of men’s desire and hierarchal power, young girls are sold the belief that their bodies are made for men’s sexual pleasure. Anything short of that means they are broken or ugly. Dr. Nagoski challenges that narrative and uses research to support her argument.